Anxiety is not a basket of fun times. And I hate that I get all panicky for no apparent reason. I mean, if I had a reason, it wouldn’t be quite as scary. “Oh, I’m stressed because of x, y, and z. That’s why my head feels spinny and the world feels overwhelming.”
In fact, right now is probably a time in my life where I shouldn’t really feel all that stressed. Work is pretty… work. And I don’t have any side work/school work to do anymore. I work, I come home, I do what I want. Except what I want to do is usually curl up somewhere away from the world. Away from any possibility of extra work. I feel generally exhausted by the idea of socializing.
And it’s just no good, which is why I’m doing the therapy thing. And I have an anxiety workbook that I’m getting through a few pages at a time. Because, damn it, I’m a pretty awesome person when I’m not too emotionally drained to function. I’m tired of missing out on things because of feeling woozy or tired or jittery or whatever.
Basically, I’m capable of being more.
There are a couple ideas that have become “ah-hah!” moments while I read along in my notebook. The one that’s stuck in my head since last night is unassertiveness.
Anxious people tend to be unassertive. I know I say “yes” to things I don’t always want to do. (Part of this is being an adult. Most if this is that I’m a people pleaser. Being a people pleaser is probably why people usually seem so pleased by me… and I’m usually tired as all hell.)
Another thing I know I need to work on is negative self-talk (and mistaken beliefs). I haven’t figured out how to stop negative self-talk when it’s happening, but I have actually *noticed* myself doing it, which has to be a first step towards changing it, right? Well, I found this fantastic podcast (for ladies) by Anxiety Slayer. (I’d love to post the actual podcast here, but it seems WordPress doesn’t want me sharing it, despite the fact that it’s free on iTunes.)
It’s called “Meditation for the Fully Realized Woman” and it was written by Karen Andes:
I am a beautiful woman, with beauty that doesn’t wash off.
I earned it, unearthed it, rescued it like a jewel in the dust; picked it up and made it shine.
For years I did not see it, though I sensed it was there.
Now it dazzles and thrives. I am healthy, capable, independent, strong yet so fragile, floored by a sigh.
My body is that of a creator… angles meeting curves, hardness drifting into soft.
I am mother, daughter, sister, lover to myself.
Embraceable and brave, I extend my heart.
My body is home –, my home a shrine to life, comfortable, warm and rich with treasures.
Mine is the scent of hot spices caught in a breeze, mine the laughter that wings through the door.
I share myself only with those who honor me as I am and protect myself, my house, and my time from invaders.
I search for my center in the midst of chaos, practice peace as wild dogs clamor in my mind.
I use power for the greater good, release rage in neutral settings with no one innocent in the line of fire.
I am learning how to persist and when to let go.
Am willing to feel all emotion, stop their depths and exaltation. To wake up in every nerve and no longer am afraid of my life.
Both my beauty and strength transcend age, time and perhaps even this lifetime.
Each day I am new, yet more at home in myself.
Moment by moment, I create my world.
I know I’m not there yet, but I want to be there. I just think it’s such a good meditation to remind us (Anxious Annies) that we’re ok. We’re strong and we’re amazing.
It gives me something to strive towards. I’m going to try and listen to it (and perhaps other good meditations like it, if I find more) every day to try and counter the negative voice in my head. I have no reason to be so negative. I have no reason to feel badly about myself and my body and my worth.
I’m rad, ok?