Lately I’ve been really sensitive to “noise.” I can’t listen to loud, disharmonious music.* I feel like an old woman when I listen to new “rock” bands. If they’re screaming into a microphone, I feel my anxiety levels shoot up instantly. It’s really weird because I am such a fan of Conor Oberst and, well, he isn’t exactly harmonious and he also makes it a point to scream in some of his work.
And that doesn’t bother me, I guess because I’m familiar with the noise.
I mean, I’ve never been into screamo stuff, but using a bit of screaming in an emotional, lyrical way? That never bothered me. I’ve also noticed lately that any sign or display of confrontation (even when it doesn’t involve me), I get really stressed to the point of feeling that angry tightness in my chest.
It’s totally bizarre. I just wish I could unbreak my fight-or-flight reflex because I’m learning more and more that my worst anxiety has a loooot to do with feeling attacked. You can’t really go through life without confrontations. It’s something that has to happen from time to time. It’s like my body interprets noise as confrontation and my brain doesn’t want to deal with it. Of course, when it’s music, the answer is simply “turn it off.” But you obviously can’t do that to a person.
Anyway, these are my thoughts for tonight. I’ve finally made a list of some (probably not all) of the negative things I have a tendency of telling myself. Tonight I’m at home relaxing because I’ve already told myself that this week is going to be a long week. (Late nights equal a full weekend, though!) Work tomorrow and Wednesday, work and yarnies on Thursday (yay yarn, though) and a late night on Friday. I’m undecided on whether I’ll make the long drive to Ikea on Saturday or if I’ll find a desk more locally/have the Ikea one delivered. I really like the desk. $21 for shipping might be about what I’d spend on gas anyway.
BUUUUT, I might see other things I’d like for my apartment too. (You see, I think I’m finally nesting. It’s starting to feel like my place. This might be a good thing. My therapist seemed to think it was interesting, anyway. I finally feel like creating a functional space for myself. I also really want to create my “big girl tent” in the corner of my living room. I haven’t figured out the logistics of that yet, though.)
*I’m also not good at multitasking. I use to be able to blog while watching TV, but gone are those days.