So, a few quick things. The past couple months have been tumultuous. I don’t often post about my personal-personal life here, but I’m going to share a few things.
I’ve been struggling with insomnia from hell since the beginning of October. Of course, this has exasperated my anxiety and so I’ve been caught up in a whirlwind of emotions. I’ve even gone to see a psychiatrist, which… well, I don’t know. At least I’m not crawling out of my skin due to inadvertent Xanax withdrawal anymore. But the more I think about things, the more upset I get that I was ever started on a benzo. (I don’t even know how to spell the full name of the suckers.)
My advice? Don’t take them unless you know it’s not going to be every day. Take them only when you cannot stand the anxiety anymore. The insomnia I had then was at least naturally occurring. I think sleeping less than 2 hours was incredibly odd a year ago. If only I knew then what I know now.
Don’t get me wrong. It was good to get put on a longer acting benzo. It has calmed my anxiety down. But, really, the only nights I sleep are nights that my mind is at peace and no amount of medicine can do that. That’s going to be me talking things out and being proactive about what’s on my mind or happening in my life. (Or at least really trying to be.) Last night was a sucker punch to the gut because I came home feeling unheard and misunderstood by the doctor playing with my brain chemicals, so of course I didn’t sleep. Sometimes I don’t sleep because I feel excited about things. That’s a real bummer, though, because the excitement wears thinner and thinner as the hours tick by without any dreaming in between.
It seems my anxiety is cyclical. It kicks up a little bit in the summer (to managable levels) and then again in the fall (to not so manageable seeming levels). Come spring, I tend to feel better.
Of course, now I’m facing the prospect of an antidepressant to help stabilize my anxiety. I hate this idea for a few reasons: (1) My anxiety is not ALWAYS through the roof, (2) my anxiety sort of makes me who I am, in a way — over-analytical and a bit of a perfectionist, (3) my anxiety has me asking myself tough questions which, I hope, will pay off in the long run and (4) both attempts at SSRIs have made me a pukey or gaggy mess. The last one made me feel jittery and gave me moments of depersonalization.
Do you know how weird it is to feel like you’re not real and nothing around you is real all the while KNOWING it is real? It’s really weird. Anxiety itself is really weird, so I didn’t need any medicinal help getting weird.
I’ve been trying to get to the gym on a semi-regular basis. I tend to sleep better on days I go, so maybe I have to start going first thing in the morning since, even on good nights, I’m only sleeping until 4:30/5:30. I keep thinking if I can just wear myself out, maybe I can sleep and I can avoid the ADs. I’ve started taking Omega-3 just a few days ago. I’m hoping that will help too.
All I really want is to get off the benzos and see if I can learn to work with my anxiety rather than hating it so much. I’ve always had it and I think it’s kept me out of trouble a few times.
Oh, wait, no. What I really want is a time machine so I could warn myself about things to come and give myself a few pointers.
But listen, it’s not all bad. Good things are happening too and I just keep pushing forward the best I can. It’s all I can do, right? Just keep swimming!
Anyway, that’s why the regular posts stopped. I’ve been trying to get myself “fixed.” I’m not sure I’m definitely on the right track, but hell, life doesn’t come with a map. It’s unfortunate, but true. I think a map would be really handy.
“For a new adventure, travel back this small path — nothing will eat you at the other end. I promise fun will be had.” or “Beware, there are mythical soul-eating dogs down this path — DO NOT GO TO THERE!”
Anyway, I’m off to CVS to do some question asking and whatnot. That’s my little update. I promise I’m not crazy, I just feel/seem that way sometimes.